I miss you...most ardently

Too bad you have no idea

YG retreat has reminded me that the same desperation that drew me unto Him 2 years ago is the same
desperation that needs to draw me to Him today...Ive lost that passion, that curiosity, that hunger, that pure DESPERATION for Him.


Sermons/ Pictures     http://em-yskpc.org/multimedia/photos.html

According to Merriam Webster dictionary, RELIABLE  is defined as:    

'Adj;  suitable or fit to be depended on"

I'm starting to realize how unreliable iam.    Which is not good. haha  >.<  
I strive to make myself available to people but also overfill my plate.  Balancing this does not last for long and soon Im stumbling all over the place.

Ill admit, there are many areas which I could improve on!  Specifically,  my phone etiquette.    I decided to always keep my phone on "RING" , so i can hear received text messages and phone calls.   For some reason,  I leave my phone on silent  ::shrug::     Suprinsgly,  people have told me I don't always answer text messages.   Thats why I love community, they always help point out the speck or plank from my eye.

Anywho, after they revealed this to me I decided to dig into WHY i do that

I realize that I tend to make a habit, that if I see a person often. i make one or all of these choices:

1.  Im busy, ill reply later----> even though I forget about it
2.  Ill see the person later, ill talk to them about it then
3.  Ill see that person online, ill talk to them about it then
4.  They will call me soon, so ill answer them then
5.  I read it..and think a response is not necessary
6.  I have no response
7.  im thinking of a response, and will reply later

yes....iam lazy =0P   BUT, its not because I don't care!    I do care, but i also need some help.   There are many different reasons for this and im well aware of them now.   Lets see how well I keep up this phone ettiquite!
Be PATIENCE as I re-train myself to not be lazy and answer texts, hahaha.

<3 Dani

A poem I found.
Just wanted to share it, it spoke to me, and perhaps to you too

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Silence by Bradley Hathaway

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me Your wounded head that is lead to communion with the Father

But where did He go?

His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer His way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..

Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?

That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is Me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears
Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon My omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home

Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the person you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race

And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of My face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear

But don’t worry about all that right now

Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in My silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

Im really failing at my goals for the summer!  Fail-age

I haven't completed one book from my list.  I bought Pilgrims Progress a week ago and Ive only read the introduction >.<  Instead, ive been reading books that aren't even part of my list:

           -Life Together The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community 
            by  Dietrich Bonhoeffer
                          - i have to reread the chapters to fully understand the
                             content.  Other than that,  I really like Bonhoeffer's 
                            explanation of biblical fellowship.

           - Forgottten God by Francis Chan
                         - I like how Chan is straight FW. He tells it like it is.  

I haven't practiced drums in over 2 weeks.   Its getting boring since I never get to play with people.   Playing with people allows me to apply what ive learned and even gives room for criticisms and improvement.   I just feel like im in a stand still with the drums.   I guess I should atleast practice once a week

Hanging with the Epic girls is fun.  A chunk of them are leaving by the end of June though.  So sad

The only thing Ive been consistent in is my personal goals.   The summer time has really isolated me and allowed me to relax and evaulate myself and my spiritual walk.  

Maybe I need to step it up, noh?    0.o

Waiting........
....................Waiting...........
..........................................Waiting...................

I deleted my other blog and just transferred my blog entries into this one, haha.  Actually the blog I wrote during SP

I rarely read fashion magazines anymore because it promotes this image that woman need to dress or act sexually to get a guy's attention. Im not trying to be high and mighty here.  Its just that reading/looking through these magazines really discourages and even distorts the mindset of a girl trying to be modest.  Unfortunately, Ive seen Christian women and even myself read through these magazines and conform to the world's definition of beauty. Its already bad enough that we have a hard time accepting our own self-image  , then you add the worlds unrealistic expectations.
  Yesterday, I caved in and started browsing through this makeup magazine.    I came upon this article about Dania Ramirez.  

What is your attitude about Beauty?
Beauty is owning who you are. It starts from the inside out...really accepting yourself, is to me, what makes you beautiful

I really like her answer.  Looking through the world's eyes,  beauty is unobtainable.  There are different definitions and perceptions of beauty.   I know this one place in Africa,  the more overweight a woman is, the more beautiful she is.   Pale skin is considered beautiful in Asia. Beauty is defined by how many peircings you have.   So many definitions!  No one can be beautiful in this world.

We need to accept ourselves, knowing that God fearfully and wonderfully made us.  It sounds really cliche, right? But this is biblical truth and sometimes these truths are hard to accept and believe   Most of us haven't accepted the fact that God finds us beautiful  no matter what. In the end,  I rather look beautiful to Him than to the world.

Rachel Dahl is the creator of A La Modest.   She is a woman that creates modest clothing in an age where immodesty rules and seen has the "ideal" quality.   Im really inspired by her.  She respects herself and her husband...a rare quality in today's fashion world. She has inspired me to respect myself and "save" myself for my future husband; not only through chasity but also how I treat my body.  Here is an insert from her blog:

http://alamodest.com/


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"As I like to say, “Keep immodesty within the marriage bed!” Married women can get all the fun they want with lingerie as clothes for their husband’s eyes only! Ironically, I only really took the importance of modest fashion to heart when I got married. I’ve never really been happier with the way I carried myself since I started pushing away my insecurities by not wearing clothes that attracted the wrong attention. I realized that I gave away part of myself to other men through the way I dressed, and essentially stole from my husband what he alone should’ve cherished.

To the single women out there, it is best to start now. I understand how hard it is to even attract men in this day and age, where sexually infused fashion is rampant, but it will pay off one day to be with someone who cares deeply about who you are, enough to protect you from himself. When you incite a man to lust, you do not win him. Lust takes over, and it is greedy. Like any type of greed, it wants more. Do not expect that luring a man with lust will keep him faithful to you. Modesty is not really the end-all to lust, but it certainly helps to keep minds pure.

... Let’s not be greedy and steal their minds away. Lust really eats up men, and contrary to the momentary pleasures they might get from it, they ultimately do not like its effects. Doing your part says that you love all men and want to help them see the beauty in you through purity and not lust. Purity goes a long way. It’s not really synonymous with chastity. You can be pure and be sexually active in the context of marriage. Most guys deep down want a girl who will give them everything without inhibitions but only to them. If you give yourself to other men by inciting lust in their minds through the way that you dress, then you are not really saving yourself fully for your future husband. The Bible says that if a man looks at or thinks about another woman lustfully, then he is already committing adultery. In your own small way, by dressing modestly, you really are helping to tame lustful thoughts. It shows that you really care, and in turn, most “husband-material” guys will appreciate this a lot.

Dressing “down” gave me many heartaches. It attracted so many of the wrong type of guys. I’m glad that God was sovereign and landed me with an amazing stud who encouraged me to be modest-fashionably forward (even before we got married)."

Things are just a major blur.... I feel like Im holding on by just a thread. My emotions are going hay-wire and I feel lost.

This morning, in the midst of my worrying and complaint. I soon realize that my pride has gotten the best of me.  Ive been relying on myself...I trusted my own knowledge, my own decisions to lead MY life. I thought, " God dosen't know what I want,  He will mess everything up."

My pride has also caused me to stop running the race(1 Corinthians 9:24).  Im stagnant. stationary.  still. useless.

My sinful desires became my god.   Instead of running towards the true God,  I ran to these idols.  They could not quench my thirst.  My hunger left unsatisfied.

Proverbs 5:22
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast.

My chasing my sinful desires....Im chasing pavements.  It leads me no where.

By God's grace, He has revealed my heart.  By his blood, im cleansed.  By Him, im set free.  Through Him, im able to run again

GOOD NEWS: Im being productive
Im getting work done

BAD NEWS: I'm slowly losing energy....haha

These are actually the times I hate being an extrovert. My need to be around people is like...essential >.<  Its only been less than a week and im slowly "dying", hahaha


im not overexageratting either!


This is how Im feeling:

-Lonely
- Depressed
- Weak/tired

Sometimes people think I'm clingy or Im afraid to be alone.  Nah man, thats not the point! All i know is...People...my antidrug =0>

::sigh::


Shelly called me up at noon and apparently it was depressing and sad listening to me.  Its embarssing when people can hear it  >.<


Anywho, I can't really do anything about it.  Everyone is busy.  
So my question is..... How will I survive??

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MY LOVE LANGUAGE RESULTS:


1. Quality Time
2. Physical Touch
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Acts of Service


I will definately agree with these results.  I love spending time with someone, especially with someone I like.   Typically, if they don't make time for me, I don't think they care enough about me...which im trying to change hahaa

This is most likely my last free summer of my life  >.<  So, I decided to keep my summer relatively free and enjoy it.




Here are my goals:





1.   Delighting in God
I know, I should be doing this already. Every day, all day, 24/7. Sadly, Ive come to see that I treat God like a vending machine.  Everytime Im hungry or thirsty, i push a few buttons, get my food, and walk away.  That shouldn't be the case, I should be delighting in His Word, loving Him, Worshipping Him for his vast glory and magnificence. Instead, I give Him half of my heart, half of my attention. Basically, my left-overs.    God should have all of my praise


2.  Books to Read:
All these books were recommended to me in some form or another. Ive been meaning to read them for a while.  Here is my chance!

- Knowing God  by  J.I. Packer
- Changes That Heal by  Henry Cloud
- Christless Christianity by Michael Horton
- Pilgrims Progress  by  John Bunyan



3.  Cont to Learn the Drums
Why?  A few weeks ago,  I was at a jam session in NCC and played around on the drums.  I was able to do a simple beat, so ever since then ive been practicing at my church, YSKPC.  Our drum player is going to Korea in August. Some church members suggested I take over for him, thats IF i get better haha

4.    Hang out with my fellow Sisters

- QT together
- Tennis and running
- Working out and bible studies with Kayley

I hope to stick with my goals.  HAve a GREAT summer

<3 Dani

yo,

yesterday night, one of our interns got a gig at this comedy place in Chinatown. There were other Muscians and comedians! some of them were good and some of them were bad..lol But she stole the show! her name popped up everywhere that whole night.

Even though it was a comedy show....by the end of the night, i was pretty sad. Just from their comedic acts, you can see what their lives were like. The comedians had to bring themselves down or bring other people down just to get laughs. The need for cussing and sex to get laughs. The main performer, she was the saddest of them all. She was a very angry person. Her whole comedic act was bringing herself down and bringing others down. Instead of bringing laughter, she just flowed out negativity and anger. At the end of her skit, i wanted to run after her and give her a hug and a KGP..haha

Ive seen many comedy skits on Comedy Central. But to actually see ordinary people perform...its different.

....even though it was a night full of vulgarity, im glad i went. One, because i got to see our intern perform her songs. Two, i really saw the great need for people. Yesterday night, i got a glimpse of NYC... US.....even the world.

It gave me more incentive to reach out to people. A greater passion to let people know there is more to life than sex, drugs, relationships, drinking, partying. There is meaning to life. There is love. There is grace.

I want to be a part of the world and yet not be OF the world. How can we be a part of changing culture, and yet still BE with people?

BTW, happy independence day! Its the day the US got their independenc! But it also makes me remember the day I got saved. The day i was set free from the bondage of sin. To me, it gives this day more meaning.

well....

i realize its like the 25th day and im only on my third post hahaha. my BAD!

I didn't want to reveal too much because i wanted to talk about my experience in person. But i shall tell you what ive been doing =0)

A lot of training in the various techniques of evangelism, the importance of discipleship. Even cultural training. Like how our families have shaped us through out our lives. seems obvious, right? "DUH danielle, of course your family shapes you"

The most important part of knowing our family is how your own upbringing and family values is brought into Christ's family. Some of those values shouldn't even be brought into Christ family. Something I had to evaulate very closely and how much unwanted "jank" ive brought into my walk with God. Also, believe it or not, family values can cause us to be perfectionists. I didn't even think i was a perfectionist until i saw the "infection symptoms. "

We went to Staten Island to evangelise in the projects. It was an awesome experience. I was partnered up with the youth pastor. The way he went from door to door and expressed the gospel was ammmazzing. It inspired me

A few weeks ago, a guy named Sy Rogers came to lecture us. He travels around the world to talk about sexual sin. He use to be a homosexual and almost did a full transformation to a woman. His lecture was about 6 hours lonnng but it was very informative. Of course...God spoke to me in that message.
When he spoke, it was obvious he use to be gay. But his lecture was great and a great eye opener

well....more to come =)

its ONLY been 9 days and God is totally riping me apart..lol
I made a list of expectations or things i wanted to learn on this trip prior to coming. Almost all of them God has challenged and tested me in.
Ill admit...it sucks and its not fun when God is stretching me.
I talked to a staff member about it and she said its like that. Its not until the last week, i will truly be transformed and will have fun on project..lol im like GREEAAT....3 more weeks of stretching and molding!

Im learning so much about myself.. I truly did not expect this transformation to start so soon.

I started womens time, discipleship, and a few "digging deep" conversations. Truly eye opening. Its also giving me an example of strong, virtuous, loving women. I hope one day to be as a strong as them. The one thing im praying for is the compassion and love Paul had for his brothers. In order to acheive this...i gotta get a heart transformation..hhaha

Today...we were riding on the subway to our Campus site. Im sure you guys remember Nicholas Li. Some stranger asked him about his ring, it led into this conversation. Before he left, Nick gave him a KGP. He seemed thankful for it and he was willing to read it. When he sat back down, another guy asked him for KGP. He shared a little bit of the gospel then the guy left. I was sooo encouraged by this. It all started off with a ring..and God just made it into something more. Two seeds were planted before we got on campus....its hard to imagine that this kind of planting can happen daily if we trust and follow God daily. AHH..the thought of it..lol

i gotta go to sleeeeeeeep ZZZZzzZzzZZ

I miss you and luv u all!!

<3
Danielle

hey,

its my 6th day in NYC. My homesickness is dying down, its not as intense as before =)

This has been the hardest first week ive ever had besides my freshman year in HS and first 2 yrs of college..lol I feel so helpless without God. Its hard in the fact that im homesick and im having difficulty interacting. NYC took the extroversion right out of me!!

There are only 6 People in the epic track, which should make it easier to know people. There are only 3 other girls and they are all from California. Its a totally different humor, culture, and conversation style. Plus, im not that girly haha. its like i gotta dig for gold to find commonalty.

Im totaly taking advantage of the staff here. Im trying to absorb as much as i can from them before i leave..haha we don't have staff, so gotta take advantage!

I love how NYC is so accesible. Its so diverse. All i gotta do is walk or take the subway. I will admit, most of the time im tired of walking. My calves are building up in strength. i swear, i will have great legs when i get back bwuaha

I haven't started ministry stuff. These last 6 days have been training and a lot of exploration and a lot of eating.

i gotta get ready for church...talk to you guys real soon again =)

<3,
Danielle

From earlier today, hahaa. My thoughts as I head over to NYC:

Right now im on the train to NYC. Im actually really comfortable and cozy right now, haha.

I just read my good-bye note from FFX project-ers, and I looked like a fool laughing by myself. I liked the drawings and all them "dipsets", bwuahaha. Not only was it funny but it was encouraging to read.

Im not going to lie, there is a lot going through my head right now. Im actually more nervous, even more fearful, than Iam excited. Its not fear of evangelizing or meeting new people or being away from home. Its that im completely blind to what God has planned for me. I prayed a lot about what is to come. It seems like God is always telling me to have faith and trust Him that He will guide me.

I know at the end of this project, I won’t be the same person. Experiencing God, its impossible to not change. But i know in order for me to change, God is going to have to break me, pick, take things away in my life. Its making me uneasy because its going to be challenging! lol, but of course i want to change.